#dbd entry

[death-in-shift]

Vulnerable - DBD Entry

A/N: I thought of this from a roleplay with one of my moots. Jae also has a hard time opening up since he is a distant demon so I wanted to kinda go in depth with his character. I'm also tagging some moots since their muse's were mentioned in this entry <3

Vulnerable means being susceptible to emotional or physical harm.

There are many things that can cause us to be vulnerable, sometimes, it can be risk-taking. I learned that countless times. That’s what makes me emotionally and physically distant, but not to the point of isolation.

Before I gained trust issues, I used to express my emotions, share things to those I thought I could trust, and even expressed physical pain. Those same people I’ve opened up to either vanished from thin air or they took advantage of me. I was ridiculed by my friends or family, went through emotional and mental abuse, was described as “sensitive” or “weak”, or forced into a state of vulnerability by manipulation or even physically. Nothing escalated but it still wasn’t a good feeling... For years, I didn’t learn my lesson; I just kept falling down the rabbit hole of consequences. I always asked myself, “Why was I so lenient? So trusting? What did I do to them to deserve this?” The problem was, I didn’t read between the lines. I was innocent and naïve… I still am. I wasn’t the type to wear a heart on my sleeve but I was the type that wanted to see the good in people.

One of the biggest lessons I learned was that there aren’t many good people left… It was one of those hard pills to swallow. Not all angels are good beings and not all demons are terrible beings. But that doesn’t make every angel bad or every demon good.

After I stopped throwing myself down the rabbit hole of consequences, I stopped trusting people. The only person I really trust with my life is Omarion. He was the only person who never neglected me, never went behind my back, who listened to me, never judged me for who I am and who I became, and still loved me at my worst. He’s the first person to ever see me cry. And he will be the last. Even though some of my demonic siblings and my dad are also trustworthy, I still will turn to Omar.

In The Fog, I ended up making some friends. And my friends caught me in the moments I felt vulnerable. Leon saw me cry for the first time, Jed saw me sick, Roze saw me injured badly by The Oni, Morgana was always there to help me, Lillie saw me panic from the thunderstorm.

And guess what? They didn’t judge me or anything. They didn’t abandon or neglect me. When they comforted me, it left me an uncanny yet warm feeling. Growing up, I didn’t experience much comfort. Being comforted made me suspect the person for pretending to care for me when they don’t. It made me feel like the person felt like they had to do it because it’s expected. I don’t expect anyone to give me pity, sympathy, or anything. This also became the reason why I am awkward when it comes to comforting others. I’m not used to people being nice and caring towards me. I’ve always been treated like an outcast or somewhat a monster. But this won’t stop me from trying to comfort anyone else.

I still feel iffy showing my vulnerable side to anyone, even my friends. This isn’t me putting up a tough and bitchy façade to prove anything… 

This is me protecting myself from the trauma.

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@ask-the-ghostface @dark-lina @xpricity